god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize