Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
