I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
