I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
