I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
