Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
