Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
