The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
