i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
