she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
