his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
