During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
not ubering you a puppy
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
