this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
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He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
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I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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