he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
