Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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