I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
