just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
