Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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