Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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