he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
