Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
