So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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