a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
We smell like vodka and hangover
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