I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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