i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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