kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
