I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
