I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
