I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
