oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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