your room smells of hookers.
And success
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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