My balls are so social today.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
