Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
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We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
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My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
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