Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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