i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
