I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
