I just gift wrapped bread.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Mom said you looked used
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
