Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
