He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
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While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
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My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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