I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
dude i'm inner monologue high
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm too high and old for this...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
