just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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