my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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