just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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