please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
