I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he shaved USA in his pubs
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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