yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
