You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
