The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
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All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
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He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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