T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
