you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
