Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
