Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
