one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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