you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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