Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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