my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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