when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
